I used to deny what I went through
I used to claim it didn't affect me. That I was better than what I went through. That it had no reason to affect me, it was merely childish events that I looked at with the wrong viewpoint at the time. But those supposed childish events happened repeatedly, and my feelings towards them were very much real and eating me alive.
But I no longer deny it. In my hopes of being stronger than my unresolved past events. In my hopes of moving on. I locked myself into a constant state of denial. Of refusing to be vulnerable. But I no longer deny it. What I went through was real. It was damaging in many ways and it still is. I can't experience life like I did before those events.
And I still struggle with being vulnerable. I simply don't want to be.
There is no one in my life. Not even my husband.. Who I am vulnerable with about what truly eats me up inside because I know that nobody will ever understand unless they went through it themselves.
The only thing that helps me is journaling. Writing. Drawing. Things that allow me to remap the issues to another media that isn't my brain or my heart.
But I find myself often lost in thought and ruminating on what could have been. On what really was. And I need to learn to move on, to not let it affect me anymore.