I wish I was more affectionate with my children
I was at some point very affectionate but then I guess I changed. Now I have to remember to show affection at times. To my children or to my husband and even to my pets.
And...I know that that's bad. And it hurts me inside to admit it. I want to dote on my children. But something in me broke long ago. And now that affection I show them is not through cuddling or kissing or sweet talking like I want it to be... It's my actions towards them in other ways where I show my affection. I'm struggling to even admit this because I want to be the perfect mom. I want to cuddle my children and show them that I'm there. But am I really there? Am I a reliable parent? I'm not sure.
I feel like I'm not because I don't want to be affectionate. I don't want to be blindly positive. I mean I do but I don't, something in me is struggling with this.
And I just want to figure out why? Why am I like this now and why did I become this way? I think I changed years ago. But I don't know why. And sometimes I feel more like a big sister than I do their mother. The mom identity is hard to grasp. You know you have to be there for them 24/7. You know you have to feed them. Bathe them. Clothe them. Teach them and love them.
But I'm exhausted and although their needs are being met I know not all of those needs are, because I don't seem to have the capacity to be entirely affectionate with them all of the time.